Unmasking Narcissism: Navigating the Fine Line Between Self-Love and Toxicity

Are you curious about what makes someone narcissistic and how it affects your relationships? Dive into the world of narcissism with our host, Patricia Wu, and therapist Deanne Schulz, as they unravel the complex world of narcissism in a way that’s easy to understand. Learn the difference between being selfish and being a narcissist, the key traits to watch out for, and practical tips for dealing with narcissistic individuals in your life. This engaging discussion is packed with insights and advice to help you navigate the challenges of narcissism. Perfect for anyone looking to protect their peace and improve their relationships. Watch now and empower yourself with knowledge!

Here are three actionable insights you can quickly apply to distinguish and manage narcissistic behaviors:

Selfish vs. Narcissist

Spot the difference by observing the depth of self-interest. While everyone has selfish moments, narcissism is marked by a persistent sense of superiority and a deep need for admiration, often without significant achievements to support this belief.

Identifying Narcissism

Familiarize yourself with the nine criteria of narcissism. A person exhibiting at least five of these traits, such as a lack of empathy, grandiose sense of self, and fantasies of unlimited success, may be considered a narcissist.

Coping Strategies

Protect yourself by setting clear boundaries and maintaining your mental health. Be mindful of the need for excessive reassurance in narcissists and prioritize your well-being in these relationships.

Read more about understanding and managing narcissism in our detailed blog post, here.

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

00:00 Introduction to Narcissism

(Host-Patricia Wu) It’s a phrase that’s thrown around so much these days. But what does it truly mean, and are we seeing a rise in narcissistic tendencies in our society?

On today’s segment of Narcissism Traits, we dive deep into the complex world of narcissism, exploring its causes, consequences, and how to navigate relationships with someone who might exhibit these traits.

Therapist, Deanne Schulz, is here with us.

So, why are people so narcissistic these days or does it just feel that way?

00:46 Understanding the Difference Between Selfishness and Narcissism

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Well, we’re all selfish, right? We’re wired that way. We have our own self interest. We’re as human beings like out to watch out to make sure that our needs are met and that we’re protecting ourselves from danger.

So there is some degree of selfishness that’s within all of us. 

(Host-Patricia Wu) All right. So when does it cross the line from selfishness to narcissism? 

01:05 Exploring the Nine Criteria of Narcissism

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Okay. So that is an actual diagnosis. There are nine different criteria that make up narcissism. And so they would have to meet, a person would have to meet five of those in order to be diagnosed as a narcissist.

So we’re going to go through those. Okay.

So the first one is they’re grandiose. And by that, it means that they see themselves as superior to everyone else. So they kind of look down at other people. Now, the important part to notice is that it’s not necessarily that they have big accomplishments but they just think that they do.

(Host-Patricia Wu) Does that just mean they love themselves a lot?

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) So that’s the thing about narcissism, is that it seems like they do, but at the heart of it, they really have low self esteem, right? And that’s why they constantly need that insecurity. So the person who’s giving it to them, that’s called the narcissistic supply.

So if you’re a person who’s on the other end of a narcissist, you’re going to feel like you’re always having to provide reassurance to them to tell them how great and how wonderful they are. 

(Host-Patricia Wu) Yeah, which can be exhausting. I’ve got to get to how to cope with a narcissist later, but let’s get through the rest of the traits so we can see if we’re just calling someone a narcissist or they actually are one.

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Right. So the second thing would be these fantasies of unlimited success. They want all the money and they want all the attention. They want to be seen as beautiful, handsome. They want to have the ideal relationship.

The next thing is they have this idea that they’re special. So of course then they have to associate with other people who are special.

So you would see them constantly posting on social media. They’d be at all the hot events, and they’d be with, you know, the movers and the shakers, and they would want everybody to know about that.

Okay. So then on top of that, like we touched on before, they need the admiration. So they constantly need to be told that they’re great.

They have a sense of entitlement. So if you are on the other side of a narcissist, you’re constantly thinking to yourself like, well, why is this? Why am I constantly having to, you know, tell them that they’re wonderful and great? It’s because they think that they’re entitled to it.  They’re interpersonally exploitative and that means they wouldn’t think twice about hurting you, about lying to you.

That kind of leads into the next thing, which is empathy.

They don’t have it, right? No ability to think about how you might feel in a situation. It’s all about that. And they’re envious of others, right?

(Host-Patricia Wu) And so they think that… I’m just thinking of someone I know. I’m like, check, check, check, check, check, check.

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) They only have to have five and that would be considered a narcissist.

And then the last one we would have is that they’re just, there’s an arrogance. They’re never wrong. They never say they’re sorry. It’s always your fault. 

(Host-Patricia Wu) Exactly. Um, literally everyone. So this person has everyone. My question is, is this something that can be cured? 

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) There’s no pill for it, unfortunately. And the thing with a narcissist is because they think that they’re right all the time, they’re very unlikely to go seek therapy because they think everybody else is the problem. So the one that should be getting therapy is the person on the receiving end of it, because it can be really hard to be in a relationship with these people.

(Host-Patricia Wu) Yeah, exactly. Because they’re never wrong and they’re not going to seek help. So I guess my question would be, how do you spot one before you get into a relationship with someone like this? 

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Yeah. So that’s the thing is you really have to not be blinded by like all of these great things. You know, they might be a person who comes in and they own the room and they’re really exciting and they’re dynamic and you can get swept up in that, but you have to be on alert for, you know, is this person noticing me?

Are they noticing my needs or is it it’s all about them all the time, and it goes back to your gut, like, does something not feel right about this person? 

(Host-Patricia Wu) And how common is this? 

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) I mean, thank God, not common, like, you know, it’s maybe 6 – 12 percent of the population at most. So, you know, let’s say roughly, you know, 1 out of 10 people have this.

You probably have crossed paths with one before, but it’s not the majority of our society, thank God. 

03:52 Identifying a Narcissist: Red Flags and Common Traits

(Host-Patricia Wu) Hmm, so if somebody were watching and they’re like, I’m not sure, what would be, what are the most common? Like there’s nine traits. You have to have five of them. Would you say there’s like a top three, like red flags you should look for?

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Yeah, I think the empathy is really a big deal because like I said, selfishness is pretty common to all of us, but the idea that this person can’t see anything about your needs or what matters to you, that should really stand out.

05:06 The Covert Narcissist: A Different Kind of Narcissism

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) There are also sometimes what’s called a covert narcissist. Like, you know, we typically think narcissists are, you know, these big personalities and, and if they don’t get the seat that they want in the restaurant, they’re the ones who are going to be like, do you know who I am?

But they can also be a little bit more undercover and a little bit more introverted. And sometimes we don’t really associate that with narcissism, but that would be a person who then would be a little bit more on the passive aggressive side. So rather than aggressive, do you know who I am? They’re going to be a person who just tangles things up.

Always make things complicated. They make things difficult by like, let’s say taking 4 hours at a restaurant or never knowing what they want to order. They just make life hard for people around them.

(Host-Patricia Wu) And is there a certain age at which this becomes, you know, because it would seem like all kids might seem like narcissists, right?

Because we’re all self-centered. Primarily, we just learn to manage better as we get older. So is this like something at, like a certain age where you’re like, okay this person’s a narcissist? 

05:45 Narcissism in Different Age Groups and Genders

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Yeah, so we want, we would stay away from diagnosing a teenager for the reason you just said. We’re not looking for like a short stint.

We are looking for a personality. So we say state versus trait. A state would be like when you’re just responding to something that’s going on, but a trait has more to do with who are you like in the longterm. So we might notice that somebody in their late teens has narcissistic, it’s narcissistic tendencies and then we would look like that does that stay into adulthood and is this something that just is inherently who they are.

(Host-Patricia Wu) Is it more female or male or does it not, is there not, is there not a pattern?

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) It’s more male. Yeah. So we see some similar types of personality disorders like a histrionic personality disorder would want a lot of attention. Those are more female. But, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, more men. 

(Host-Patricia Wu) Alright, great insights and I guess the bottom line would be if you do identify one, run. 

(Guest-Deanne Schulz) Ha ha ha. Or get therapy.

(Host-Patricia Wu) Okay. Thank you so much, Deanne. Thank you.