By Anonymous
Growing up, the walls of my home echoed with the sounds of shouting and fear. My father was physically abusive to my mother and as a child, I felt helpless, trapped in a cycle of not being able to do anything.
I remember the one time I tried to intervene, I was eight years old and stood between my mother and my father holding a chair above his head. Instead of putting the chair down, my father told me to move out of the way. It was at that moment I decided that when I grew up, I would never be so helpless again.
Those early years were marked by trauma, but today, I stand as an advocate for domestic violence awareness and mental health. My mother was the real victim but that is her story to tell. This is my story of turning pain into perseverance.
What They Don’t Tell You About Domestic Violence
When it comes to an abusive relationship, people always ask the victim why they don’t just walk away, but it’s never that simple. Maybe they’re afraid, maybe they want to stay together for the kids, maybe they can’t afford to restart their lives, or maybe they’re so conditioned into abusive patterns that they don’t know how to leave. Whatever the reasons are, they’re all valid. I used to beg and cry to my mother to walk away from it all, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized that would be the hardest thing she ever had to do. She says her biggest regret was not leaving sooner, but I will never hold that against her because it was never that simple.
You see, most relationships don’t start off like that. They begin with joy, love, and all the other normal things. Sometimes, there can be little signs that seem too small at the time to end the relationship over. Maybe they raise their voice to customer service workers, or they slam the dinner table at a restaurant. These are signs of aggression, but in the moment you may think to yourself “It was just one time, he would never do that again”, or “he would never do that to ME.” But those little signs build up.
By the time it progresses to physical aggression, the victim may feel that they’re already in too deep. It’s so unbelievably hard to accept that the person you fell in love with isn’t who you thought they were. In my experience, aggressors are very good at manipulation. The highs make you feel on top of the world…but the lows make you feel like you don’t deserve to be in it. They break you down, little by little until you think no one else will ever love you. I’m here to tell you that that is so far from the truth and even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, it’s possible for you to believe that too.
To Forgive or Not to Forgive…
Another thing that outsiders don’t always understand is forgiving the abuser. People always ask me how I can have a relationship with my father after all of the awful things he’s done. As bad or selfish as it may seem, I want him to be in my life. Yes, my mother was abused, but so was her mother, and her mother, and so on and so forth. When does it end? I’ve talked with my mother hundreds of times about this and she understands why I choose to forgive because she never got the chance to do the same with her father.
In the years following my mom’s decision to leave, my father’s behavior did a complete 180, but just because I chose to release the grip those memories have on my heart, that doesn’t mean I will ever forget, or that I had to forgive.
Your journey is entirely your own. If you never want to hear from or look at your abuser again, that is completely valid. Forgiveness is a deeply personal choice, and there is no right or wrong way to heal. What matters most is finding peace and reclaiming your life on your terms.
Finding Strength
Amid the chaos at home, I found solace in writing. Journaling became my refuge, a place where I could escape the turmoil and put my feelings on paper. It was a way for me to prove these events were real when I felt I couldn’t tell anyone else. This was when I knew I wanted to be a writer one day. Whether it’s through writing, art, music, or any other positive outlet, finding a way to express your emotions can be incredibly healing.
Therapy is also an amazing resource that I’m grateful to have access to today, though if that isn’t an option for you right now, there are so many other ways to get help. Taking that first step toward healing is incredibly brave and wherever you are on your journey, I am so proud of you.
Moving Forward
As I got older, I realized I could either let my trauma define me or use it as momentum for change. I chose the latter. I became actively involved in organizations dedicated to raising awareness about domestic violence. By speaking out, I hope to give a voice to those who can’t speak for themselves and to let survivors know they are not alone because it does get better. It’s important to know that you never fully know what’s going on in someone’s life, so be compassionate and show kindness. Together, we can break the cycle of violence and build a safer, more loving world for all.
Resources for Domestic Violence
If you or someone you know is facing domestic violence, here are some resources to make that first step toward change.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org. They can direct you to domestic violence programs near you, resources in your area, legal assistance, and so much more.
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: ncadv.org
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or rainn.org
- Love Is Respect: 1-866-331-9474 or loveisrespect.org
- Local Shelters and Support Services: Search for local shelters and support services in your area for immediate assistance and counseling.
