By Lauren A. Jeffery, RP, MA, CEA, CTDP
Navigating the Family Maze: The Reality Behind Ideal Relationships
Family is a tricky “thing,” meaning maintaining a harmonious, loving relationship with every family member is a fantasy for many. However, society tells us (shames us?) that family is essential because “we are supposed to” want to continue our bloodlines and legacies, all while loving unconditionally our family members.
Family and the values they bring with them are sometimes less than “desirable,” for the lack of a better word. Every family is unique, as is every individual who makes up the family. Family is a highly complex organism that requires patience, tolerance, and a sense of humor, among a million other ninja-like skills.
Unpacking Family Dynamics: Insights from Research
Research into how people think and act, the preferences they hold, and how they view and engage with the world around them has been one of the most prolifically studied areas because of how challenging it is for humans to coexist without catastrophic outcomes (that might be a bit dramatic, but…).
We have learned that the development of personal values begins in utero, with BOTH parents contributing to the experiences of the unborn child. We have learned that intergenerational trauma is far more insidious and problematic than first realized. We have learned that we don’t get to choose our family, but we do decide how to engage (or not) with them. We’ve learned that significant life events, like COVID-19, can change individuals’ personal values in adulthood.
The family unit is fluid, ever-changing, growing, shrinking, blending, or dividing — it rarely functions the “same” over time because of life. If we are honest with ourselves, we would probably say that life is 90% sameness, peppered with periods of highs, lows and stuff that seemingly comes out of nowhere.
Redefining Client Interactions in Financial Services
In a nutshell, family and everything it encompasses is a minefield for professionals, especially those who work in financial services. Family profoundly impacts how individuals make decisions regarding their finances, and understanding what that means or looks like is essential.
I was working with an advisor team, and I asked them what messaging they hoped that they (and their business) portrayed, and they responded that they hoped that their practice would “feel” like family. My initial response was, who’s family? My response confused them because it had never occurred to them how loaded the concept of family truly is. Would I want my financial advisors acting as my family did and does? Nope.
Olive Garden’s slogan, “When you’re here, you’re family,” wants us to believe that families make and serve tasty food when we want it. Ok. Reality check — the use of food banks in 2023 increased by 78% since 2019 (Schmunk, 2023). You would be mistaken if you don’t think some of these individuals are your client’s, Advisors. Are your clients making tough decisions to keep funding RESPs, RRSPs, and TFSAs because they recognize the importance of planning for the future? Let’s not get started on the impacts of housing costs.
Cultural, gender, race, and geographic differences are just a sampling of the factors that make up the family experience and how it impacts the individual. Consider the newcomer trying to maintain family values within a system that doesn’t share the same thoughts, beliefs and values surrounding family. Engaging with others who don’t share a common language, values, and social norms can be challenging and stressful, and then you have to contend with creating a new life according to someone else vision of family.
Dysfunctional families are the “norm” today. Canada’s mental health crisis is ongoing, with 25% of the population suffering at any given time (Canadians Short on Access to Care for Mental Health and Substance Use | CIHI, 2023). Divorce, or relationship dissolution, brings single-parent challenges to the family dynamic. The 2021 Census (2023) showed that there are over 1.6 million single parents in this country, with the overwhelming majority being women.
Are we looking at this notion of “functional” and “dysfunctional” all wrong… Read this article, which does a great job of outlining what a “functional” family looks like versus a dysfunctional family.
Mutual respect, engaging in healthy conflict management, celebrating individual differences, spending time together… do you see your family — either the one you grew up with and have today embracing all of these values? Most people wouldn’t. How can we be expected to offer our clients a “functional family” experience when most of us don’t possess this experience, along with possessing the skills and abilities to demonstrate it? It’s time to learn new skills, Advisors — and this includes the “old-timers” who are still working…
It’s time to stop using the “F” word when discussing how your clients will be treated when working with your firm; you might be inadvertently driving clients away.
