By Lauren A. Jeffery, RP, MA, CEA, CTDP
The Weight of Tradition: Confronting Hegemonic Masculinity
I am a Registered Psychotherapist who works primarily with individuals in Wealth Management along with individuals in recovery from substance abuse. I talk to a lot of different types of people on a daily basis. I’ve written about this before here.
As I am building a business, I spend a considerable amount of time talking with financial advisors about their business, what their needs are, and where and how I can help them improve their bottom line. As a fellow entrepreneur, I GET how personal the outcomes of their business are.
In Canada, the demographics of financial advisors are still pretty skewed toward white men and with that comes A LOT of stuff. The stuff that I’m talking about is the misogynistic, ego-centric, “mansplaining” / lack of communication skills when talking to a PEER.
It can trigger my anger and frustration in less than 6 seconds. It’s my fatal flaw if I allow it to run amok. Let’s talk about this.
Hegemonic Masculinity, let’s start here.
“A set of values, established by men in power that functions to include and exclude, and to organize society in gender unequal ways. It combines several features: a hierarchy of masculinities, differential access among men to power (over women and other men), and the interplay between men’s identity, men’s ideals, interactions, power, and patriarchy.“
It’s about about power and control. It’s tiresome to write these words as a woman in 2024, but here we are.
Navigating the Storm: Professionalism Amidst Adversity
I had a meeting with an advisor a couple of months ago now, and the interaction, while unsurprising, unpleasant, and expected from this individual, is still irking the crap out of me. Why, you may ask? I’ll tell you why in a moment.
As a quick recap, I met with a couple of successful, seasoned insurance professionals whom I’ve known for YEARS. This advisor is very smart, has a HUGE capacity for love and generosity, is funny, and I could go on… I’ve seen many sides to this individual. There are the makings of a stellar human being in there.
The purpose of the meeting was to discuss a program I had developed to see if it “had legs.” It did.
One of the advisors told me that “no one was doing this” currently and that I should focus on what I know, the psychology behind this. All great feedback if it hadn’t been delivered in a belligerent, F-bomb-laden, abusive tirade.
The meeting lasted an hour, and commitments were made. I would make the adjustments required, and they would meet with me again. One of the advisors honored their commitment. Unsurprisingly, it was the advisor who DIDN’T abuse me for an hour.
The advisor who used me like his own “whipping post” hasn’t responded to any of my polite, respectful emails. Oh well. I wanted him to know that he was EXTREMELY helpful in directing some much-needed changes with NO mention of his less-than-desirable behavior.
Breaking the Cycle: The Call for Self-Awareness of Behavior and Growth
The psychotherapist in me, throughout this meeting, was reining in my anger at the vitriol-laced expletives that were hurled my way and kept reminding myself that this was a man whose current life (personal and professional) had taken a couple of pretty significant body blows. He is hurting and trying to “right his ship” and continue his life.
Let me be clear that having this knowledge does NOT justify his behavior towards me. At all. The professional in me recognized a scared, hurt little boy. I’ve seen them a lot in my work — they are everywhere.
There was/is no point in confronting this individual because the change has to come from within himself. He needs to recognize that his self-sabotaging behavior will be to his demise, and that makes me sad. He will learn these lessons through the continuation of failed professional and personal relationships.
Men, please recognize that you don’t have to be a “big swinging dick” all of the time. It’s unpleasant to witness you comfort yourself at the expense of someone you perceive to be “lesser” than you — which you demonstrated and continue to demonstrate. Your actions are catching up to you.
Women don’t need men like they used to, and I think that is a problem for some men. Especially for the men who dominate their industry because their identities are wrapped up in their profession — their chief/sole identity.
It’s ego AND fear that’s keeping you in the same place (being a dick), dear advisor. Please, please go find a therapist to talk to. It doesn’t have to be this way.
When in doubt, reach out.
